Wanda knocks the door of Archie’s apartment, Archie opens the door.
Wanda: Oh, Archie, it’s beautiful. It’s just beautiful. Oh, my God! Look! Oh, Archie, it’s beautiful.
Archie: Isn’t it wonderful?
Wanda: Whose is it?
Archie: Belongs to someone at the chambers.
Wanda: And where are they?
Archie: Hong Kong. Gone for weeks.
Wanda: Nice rug, Archie.
Archie: May I?
Archie takes Wanda and starts dancing with her.
Wanda: Archie, what are you doing?
Archie: The polka, I think. You make me feel free.
Archie: Wanda do you have any idea what it’s like being English? Being so correct all the time? Being so stifled by this dread of doing the wrong thing? Of saying to someone, “Are you married?” and hearing, “My wife left me this morning.” Or saying, “Do you have children?” And being told, “They all burned to death on Wednesday.” You see Wanda, we’re all terrified of embarrassment. That’s why we’re so dead. Most of my friends are dead. We have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you’re alive, God bless you, and I want to be I’m so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you Wanda. I’m a good lover. At least I used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?
Wanda: (She kisses him). Yeah. (Then jumps into his arms).
Archie: Hang on. Mind your head. (He takes her to the bed and they jump in it). Oh, I think I love you.
Otto tries to climb by the window behind them they don’t know is him. He tries to peek in.
Wanda: Archie, can I ask you a question?
Wanda: Where’s my locket?
Archie: I couldn’t get it.
Archie: My wife wouldn’t give it back. Look I got you this instead. Like it?
Wanda: No Archie, I have to have mine.
Archie: What’s the matter? Why?
Wanda: My mother gave it to me on her deathbed.
Archie: I’m sorry. All right darling. I’ll get it for you.
Wanda: You promise?
Archie: I’ll think of something.
Wanda: Sex is very difficult for me with somebody that I don’t trust completely.
Archie: I promise I’ll get it, okay?
Wanda: Oh, I love you, Archie! I’ve loved you ever since the first second I saw you.
Otto in his anger at hearing this hits a wall.
Archie: What was that?
Archie: Your brother didn’t bring you here this time, did he?
Archie: He has no idea?
Wanda: He doesn’t have a clue.
Wanda: He is so dumb.
Wanda: He thought the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
They both laugh uncontrollably.
Archie: All those terrible lies he told about the CIA. So painful.
Wanda: And when he heard your daughter’s name was Portia…
Wanda: He said, “Why did they name her after a car?”
They both laugh uncontrollably.
Wanda: I love the way you laugh.
Archie: I love you. You’re funny. How come a girl as bright as you could have a brother who’s so –
Otto appears right on their faces.
Otto: Don’t call me stupid.
Wanda and Archie scream scared. Otto gets Wanda off the bed and attacks Archie.
Archie: Jesus Christ!
Otto: (To Wanda) Come on!
Otto grabs Wanda from her hair and pulls her to the door.
Wanda: Otto. Ouch. Otto! Ouch.
Otto: Come on! I’ll deal with you later. (As he says this Otto opens the door and throws Wanda out looking the door behind).
Archie: What have you done with her? (Wanda knocks the door repeatedly).
Otto: She’s alright.
Wanda: (Behind the door). Otto!
Otto: Now, apologize.
Wanda: Otto. (Keeps knocking).
Wanda: Oh, shit. (She stops knocking and tries to listen through the door).
Archie: Are you totally deranged?
Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English… giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck face, dick-head, asshole!
Archie: How very interesting. You’re a true vulgarian, aren’t you?
Otto: You’re the vulgarian, you fuck! Now, apologize!
Archie: Me to you?
Otto: (Pause). Apologize… Apologize… (Otto pulls out his gun and points it right on Archie head). Apologize?
Archie: All right, I apologize.
Otto: You’re really sorry?
Archie: I’m really, really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.
Otto: You take it back?
Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact and was in no way fair comment and was motivated purely by malice and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family. And I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
He shoots at the roof, Wanda screams and Archie faints. Otto opens the door.
Wanda: What have you done!?
Otto: Nothing, he fainted.
Wanda: What are you doing here! Are you stupid?
Wanda goes out of the apartment. Otto follows here.
Otto: Don’t call me stupid. You said you love him!
Wanda stops, they talk on the street.
Wanda: That’s right Otto! Now, here’s a multiple choice question for you. A: Wanda was lying. B: Wanda was telling the truth! Which one you’re gonna pick?
Otto: What was the first one? (Pause). You told me you were not planning to see him.
Wanda: Because I knew you’d come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate Otto. I’m setting up a guy who’s incredibly important to us who’s going to tell me where the loot is and if they’re gonna come and arrest you and you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and dangle a gun at him like a madman. Now, was that smart?
Wanda: Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics or was it stupid?
Otto: Don’t call me stupid.
Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQ’s But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?
Otto: Apes don’t read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes, they do Otto. They just don’t understand it. Now, let me correct you on a couple things, okay? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not “Every man for himself.” And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes. I looked them up. Now, you have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. So what are you gonna do about it? What would an intellectual do? What would Plato do?
Otto: (Very hearable). Apologize.
Wanda: Pardon me?
Otto: I’m sorry.
Wanda: No. Not to me, to Archie! And make it good or we’re dead.
Otto walks back into the apartment Archie is regaining consciousness.
Otto: (Talking to himself). I’m so very, very sss – fuck you! (Wanda looks at him). I’m… I’m very, very sss – I’m so very… very, very. (Otto enter the apartment and Archie sees him). Okay.
Archie: Oh, no, no. Please.
Otto: Look, I want to apologize.
Archie: No, please, leave. I’ll finish it with Wanda. Please, go. (Archie starts to look for an escape in the other side of the room).
Otto: Okay, just. Wait. Where are you going? I’m just trying to speak to you.
Archie: Oh, leave me alone for Christ’s sake!
Otto: I just want to apologize! It’s all right, will you calm down! (He pulls out his gun). Would you shut up a second. (Archie starts running). Wait! Wait! Why are you running! Otto runs behind Archie.
Wanda: Otto! What are you doing! (Wanda runs behind Otto).